I LOVE ❤ my kids and I remember when they were younger, and I was with each of them individually it seemed so different and I could focus on their individual needs. When I had all three of them together, I felt like they were all spinning around in my head and I couldn’t focus on any one or any thing. Actually, on reflection, when my first child was born and she was the only one, I felt that was really demanding and challenging at the time too, so I guess it’s all relative to one’s own personal situation. We each have different personality types and differing strengths and weaknesses. Our children have different personalities too, and our circumstances are varied. So, I guess we have to accept that we can only do the best we can and that has to be good enough.

I remember watching an episode of Oprah years ago where she talked to working mums and stay-at-home mums who were struggling with similar issues to me, and one of the conclusions reached was to know that what you do is good enough. You can’t give 100% to everything, as you only have one lot of 100% to divide up between the numerous activities of a mother (or parent). That means, for example, I can only give 20% to housework, 30% to kids, 20% to Colin, 10% to family and friends and 20% to employment. The figures will obviously be different for everyone. The extra stress and frustration comes when you place too high an expectation on yourself. I used to be a perfectionist (still am in some ways) and needed to do everything really well otherwise I would feel dreadful – even when I completed handwritten assignments at school I would have to rip the whole thing up and start again if I discovered even the smallest grammatical error. I couldn’t leave it, couldn’t Tippex it out, couldn’t cross tidily through it, I had to scrap the whole thing and do it again. I’ve also always been a wholehearted type of person who likes to commit fully to something and give it 100%. Then, I became a mum and realised that wasn’t so easy to do.

Anyway, there was a certain lady on The Oprah Show whose husband said she was an absolute nightmare to live with because she was constantly angry with the kids and always stressing about something (relatable content) until she learned the ‘It will have to be good enough’ principle and was transformed. She had the revelation that she couldn’t give 100% to any one thing and trying was just causing immense pressure and stress and making her life, and the lives of her family members, unbearable. At the time, when I watched that episode it did change my life briefly because the truth set me free, but sometimes we forget the truth and have to revisit it for the power of it to have any lasting effect in our lives. I guess I’m in that place again and I need to be a little kinder to myself and not put myself under so much pressure. Maybe I won’t be able to have a really organised and tidy house until the kids have grown up and flown the nest, but is that really so bad? Maybe I’ll have to live with an ironing pile as a permanent feature because I can never get on top of it, but is that really so bad? Maybe I can’t spend as much time as I would like with each child individually or with my husband, but surely the time I do spend with them would be a lot nicer if I wasn’t stressing about the time that I’m not able to be with them?

The saying ‘Take each day as it comes’ is hugely empowering if we can but embrace it. Imagine every day waking up with a clean slate and only thinking about what you have to do on that day to get through. Now, I know that certain things have to be planned today for another day, such as for a party, trips etc, but, on the whole, we do need to learn to not bring tomorrow’s troubles into today, otherwise we won’t be able to focus on what needs doing now – like listening to your kids when they’re talking to you. I remember when I was so preoccupied with thoughts of other things, or troublesome relationships, that I would literally find my children’s chattering infuriating and I’d get cross with them for trying to get my attention because my mind was trying to go on and on about tomorrow, next week, next month, that friendship, that work situation, and so on. Whereas, at that part of the day, the children were supposed to have my attention because it’s their time and I am far more able to listen and focus if I make a decision that I am not going to allow myself to be distracted by thoughts of other things unless it is absolutely necessary, and I mean absolutely necessary. It is true to say that we only have a short number of years when our kids actually want to be with us, so we really should embrace them. Part of embracing them is also knowing that you are allowed to have time for yourself, in whichever way that suits you, and by doing that you will not resent the time given to the family. I love my family but I definitely need some me time, but that can’t come from their time, otherwise I feel frustrated and upset and so do they. I have to schedule in some time for myself and look forward to it. I also have to know that what I do is good enough, so that I don’t get unnecessarily stressed and anxious.

Be kind to yourself this week,

love & blessings, Sam x