I will be 56yrs old in a few weeks and the concept of learning to love yourself really shouldn’t be something that I’m still learning to do. But it’s my experience that many people truly don’t love who they are, and I’m really not unusual in this. Our experiences and what other people have said about us or the way others have acted towards us have an impact on an otherwise secure individual.
The truth is many people go through the whole of their lives covering up how they really feel about themselves. Even the most confident looking people can genuinely truly not like who they are. This has an impact on our presence in the world and really can’t be hidden forever, although some people go to the grave with this sad secret disguised as something else.
Pretend confidence
Lack of confidence
Feeling as though you don’t belong
Bullying and control issues
False humility
Unconscious bias
Feeling like you’re always held back
Excessively worrying about your problems
Very bleak view of your future
The truth is that despite your upbringing and your experiences of life to date YOU are a unique individual and there has NEVER been another YOU and so what YOU bring to the world, ONLY YOU can bring. Sure, you might meet someone with the same name as you, or someone who has similar values and beliefs as you, but in reality there is NO ONE like you!! YOU are unique, and that makes YOU special in my eyes. Doesn’t that excite you in some way? Knowing that what you bring to the world is unique to YOU and no-one else can bring that, only YOU can!!!!
So, for the next week, I want you to walk around believing that YOUR life matters! YOUR life has value and no-one else can bring what you have into the world and it’s needed. YOU’RE needed! Please believe that! I can’t think of a single thing that I can say that is more important than this!
You’re life matters
So, choose to love YOURSELF today and know that just your presence in the world can bring blessing and joy! I say “can” because only you can choose what you bring to the world and whether it’s a blessing or not. But if you choose to be a blessing then, believe me, what goes around comes around and what you do to bless others will chase you down the street with blessings towards YOU!! Above and beyond what you could imagine! Make the decision today to learn to love yourself, because you truly are worth it ❤.
Sometimes speaking out positive affirmations can get a bad rep. and that’s often because we misunderstand the reason for them and the power they can actually have to change our lives. We feel depressed, despondent and disappointed with ourselves or our lives and then repeating a seemingly nonsensical affirmation like “I am happy ~ I am at peace ~ I am confident” feels almost useless and definitely didn’t improve how we felt, right? I get it! It really can seem like a kick in the teeth at our lowest point in life, and you could quite easily (if you weren’t SUCH a nice person) tell them where they can stick their positive affirmations!!!! I mean lets face it, you’ve been struggling for years with debilitating beliefs about yourself that impacts the way you see not only yourself but the world around you. Or maybe I’m just talking about myself right now?
So, let me explain WHEN affirmations ARE important. Let’s see if I can make this a whistle-stop tour for all you folk out there who get bored reading blogs that are tooooo long!!! (and I count myself in this category, lol )
Your conscious mind can only retain a certain amount of information at once. In fact, the conscious mind can only retain around 50 bits of information per second whilst the subconscious or non-conscious mind takes in around 11 MILLION bits per second!!! Say what now?? I know right?? Mind blowing!
Throughout your life you have been gathering absolutely billions of bits of information from childhood and that information has determined the beliefs you have and the rules you find yourselves living with ie. “for me to feel loved a person has to (fill in the blanks)” now the person might do a lot of other things to show their love for you but because you have this “rule” that you have developed from goodness knows where, you find yourself struggling to feel loved, even though they really are in love with you. We can make it either really hard or really easy for ourselves to be happy based on these often non-conscious rules. But these can be identified and changed. Our subconscious is like a cassette recorder (remember those) that is continually playing and feeding us information. It’s there to serve us and thinks it is giving us the information we want. If we’ve been hurt by rejection in the past then it will think that we will obviously want to avoid that feeling again so will show us how we can avoid being rejected and sabotages our chance for happiness with someone as we gave it the message that we DO NOT want to feel rejected again so does what it thinks we want it to do. So, where do affirmations come in?
Well, we need to rewrite the subconscious message that we have been receiving ~ especially if it has been particularly negative and detrimental to our well-being. Our brain waves play a big part in this. Our brain waves are electrical impulses in the brain and our thoughts, emotions and behaviour are communicated between neurons within our brains. We’ll look at two out of the 5 frequencies today. Beta & Alpha.
Beta brainwaves are small and fast and they are firing when we are busy at work or needing to function at a task. We’d be no use to anyone if our beta waves weren’t functioning as we need them.
Alpha brainwaves are slower and larger and they occur when we are in a time of relaxation or meditation. Often just before we drift off to sleep. At this point our subconscious is open to receive and THAT’S when we need to listen to or speak out positive affirmations, so that we can send a positive message to our subconscious which will in turn send us a better and healthier message. This will then affect the way you see yourself and the world around you in a positive way that will result in you …
Being transformed by the renewing of your mind
So, I’ll end this blog with a few of my favourite affirmations. Speak them out loud to yourself!
I relax and recognise my self worth
I am worthy of being loved, respected and valued
I release past versions of myself with love, that no longer reflect who I am
I can start making small choices that lead to bigger changes
I attract what I talk about so I choose to only speak positive words
I am in control of my life and choose to let go of negative beliefs
Beginning again just means that I have the courage to know when to walk away from what is no longer serving me
I trust that I am on the right path
Loving myself makes it easier to love others
My past does not equal my future
I will become the person I have always dreamed of
My sensitivity is my strength
I bring unique and valuable talents to the world
I breathe in confidence and breathe out all fear
I have the power to make positive changes in my life
I banish all self doubt from my mind and embrace hope, optimism and compassion
Small achievements are the secret ingredient for growth and confidence
I will become the person I have always dreamed of
So take some time to reflect on your self beliefs and whether they are serving you well. Are they undermining you and making you sad? Or are they helping you to be fully who you have been created to be? YOU are unique! There was never another YOU created before now, and there never will be again ~ so what YOU bring to the world is precious! Find it ~ nurture it ~ and know that who you are is WONDERFUL!!! Yep ~ full of WONDER!!!! Amazing! Spectacular! Awesome! Yes, I’m talking about YOU! Give yourself a round of applause and I’ll See you next week,
Welcome back! Last week we introduced the concept of hedonic adaptation which is when you have achieved or received something (or someone) you really wanted and you were super happy when it happened. It felt like all your Christmas’s had come at once and you were over the moon!!!
You got the job you really wanted
You got into the University or College of your choice
The girl said “yes” when you asked her to marry you OR
The man you love asks you to marry him
You finally lost the weight you were trying so hard to lose
You won the lottery or came into some money
You bought the house you dreamed of
You bought the car you always wanted
The list could be pretty long and I’m sure you have situations that you can reflect on whereby you had this kind of experience? You feel WONDERFUL!!!!
After a while you start to adapt to your circumstances and suddenly you find yourself feeling fed up and bored. Sometimes you can even feel depressed. In the words of Bruce Almighty …
I’ll have a side order of GUILT please
You then add guilt and feelings of shame to your plate! I mean, it’s not like you have anything to moan about right? You’re not living in a slum! You’re not worried about where your next meal is going to come from (unless you are, of course). You have a roof over your head and clean clothes to wear. Why on earth am I feeling this way, you wonder? I mean, I got what I always wanted, right?
The problem is we have some, what Laurie Santos a Professor from Yale University calls, annoying features in our minds that we’re often not aware of. Some of these annoying features are …
Our minds don’t think in terms of absolutes. For example, you might think that absolutely this would be a great house, a great opportunity, enough money etc BUT our minds judge relative to reference points. ie. you see what others have and judge according to that.
Our minds strongest intuitions are often wrong. ie. what we THINK will make us happy, often doesn’t.
Our minds are built to get used to things. ie. hedonic adaptation.
We don’t realise that this is the case!!!
So what can we do about this? Well, one way of addressing this is to invest in experiencesrather than things. Experiences are generally not with us long enough to cause hedonic adaptation, so make sure you bring some variety into your life.
Book a holiday
Go for a walk in nature and REALLY appreciate your surroundings
Go sky diving
Learn how to ride a horse
Book some cookery lessons
Join an art class
Take dance lessons
Go out for coffee with a friend
Go kayaking
Climb a mountain
Go to pottery class
There are so many activities that you could do and they don’t all cost money. You just need to be creative and take the first step. In terms of every day living, the best way to counteract hedonic adaptation is by being grateful. The happiest people in the world are the most grateful. They have learnt to be grateful for what they have and express gratitude to those they love. If we look for the good in people and situations we will often find it. The trouble is, we are often focusing on the not so good, or not so perfect and this will always leaving us wanting. Wanting what we haven’t got and remember our intuitions are not ALWAYS right!! Just because you’re wanting something it doesn’t mean it will make you happy. Focussing on what you DO have and being grateful for the good in your life will bring you more long term happiness.
So, enjoy finding the good in your life this week and consider booking in something new or trying a new activity.
I don’t know about you but every now and then I just think “stuff it”!! I’m done!! Everything seems like too much of an effort and making sure you exercise enough, eat well, watch, read & listen to the right stuff, not drink, not smoke, meditate and basically live right is a pain in the arse! Excuse my indelicacy! You realise you only have one life to live and you want to enjoy it, right? Of course in reality we know that everything is about our perception of the situation and the meaning that we ourselves choose to give it. Sometimes we’re unaware that we’ve chosen to give it meaning as our subconscious is in the background reflecting back to us the beliefs about ourselves and our worlds that have been unconsciously conditioned to be in there.
Say what now??
We’re supposed to be in control of ourselves and our subconscious is there to serve us but yet we allow our subconscious minds to guide and rule our lives, based on what they THINK we want. Confused? You could be! So, for instance, your subconscious mind knows that you value your needs being met and knows that you value comfort and if possible no pain. Your subconscious looks for ways to meet your needs and those ways can be positive or negative ways. How we frame something in our minds also impacts whether we perceive some thing or some activity as being a chore and too much effort, or something we enjoy and want to do.
“People will give up their goals and dreams to meet their needs”
Tony Robbins
How true is that statement for you? Is there something you’d love to achieve or acquire but meeting your daily needs gets in the way of you fulfilling that long term dream? We all have human needs and we all need those needs to be met, but we can sometimes look in the wrong places to meet those needs. Life’s a journey and we’re constantly developing and growing and if we take time to develop awareness we can learn about our personal needs and learn how to meet them positively. But then something happens along the road which could be a challenging scenario or it could be boredom of the same things. We’ll look at the latter today. Now I’ve always disliked the word boredom, and all through my life I have refused to use it as it feels pejorative and I’d rather die than say “I’m bored”. “Oh for an opportunity to feel bored” (I would think, self righteously). The truth is we all have a need for certainty, but we also have a need for variety, right? We can do something knowing that it will meet the need for certainty but after a while suddenly feel that we need some form of change.
This is known as hedonic adaptation! As we get used to things that we enjoy then we start to adapt to them and then they no longer make us happy. Hedonic adaptation explains why we can aim for what we want and then once we achieve it suddenly NOT feel happy. We become fed up and lethargic, constantly looking for something else. The truth is if we achieved that something else, we’d likely experience hedonic adaptation again, and the cycle continues.
What can I do???
I hear you cry! You’re probably not going to like my answer. You’re going to want it to be something complicated and expensive … something outside of your reach that will excuse you from ever achieving it or acquiring it. I don’t want to make this weeks blog too long so I’m going to save the answers for next week. All I will say is they are not complicated or unachievable and it does involve working with your subconscious mind so that YOU are in control rather than your subconscious mind controlling you!
Have a meaningful week reflecting on your life and I’ll see you next week,
Over the last 20yrs I have been really interested in the power of the subconscious mind. Whilst working as a Nurse and bringing up 3 children I have found myself drawn to this topic over & over again. At the moment my good friend Kim (in Australia) and I are working through the book written by Dr Joseph Murphy “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind”, and I truly believe this is worth a serious mention when we’re talking about well-being.
So, today, I’m going to write some highlights from this book and hope that you will see how important they are when you are considering your well-being and how your thoughts impact this. So let’s dive in!!!!
Think good, and good follows. Think evil, and evil follows. You are what you think all day long.
Your subconscious mind does not argue with you. It accepts what your conscious mind decrees. If you say “I can’t afford it”, your subconscious works to make it true. Select a better thought . Decree, “I’ll buy it … I accept it in my mind”.
You have the power to choose. Choose health and happiness. You can choose to be friendly, or you can choose to be unfriendly. Choose to be cooperative, joyous, friendly, lovable, and the world will respond. This is the best way to develop a wonderful personality.
Your conscious mind is the “watchmen at the gate” . Its chief function is to protect your subconscious mind from false impressions. Choose to believe that something good can happen and is happening now. Your greatest power is your capacity to choose. Choose happiness and abundance.
The suggestions and statements of others have no power to hurt you. The only power is the movement of your own thought. You can choose to reject the thoughts or statements of others and affirm the good. YOU have the power to choose how you react.
Watch what you say. You have to account for every idle word. Never say, “I will fail; I will lose my job; I can’t pay the rent” Your subconscious cannot take a joke. It brings all those things to pass.
Whatever your conscious mind assumes and believes to be true, your subconscious mind will accept and bring to pass. Believe in good fortune, divine guidance, right action, and all the blessings of life!
Have a wonderful week my friends, and I’ll see you next week!
We have a small garden, and during the summer it becomes our extra room so I love to tend to it and make sure it is loved. Over the years I’ve neglected it and the weeds soon grow and the plants die. It literally looks uncared for and I really don’t like that feeling. It has so often reflected back to me areas of my life that I have neglected or not loved and cared for. Some people have large gardens, some people have simply a yard. Some people have communal gardens in their area and some don’t have gardens at all. Whatever your situation we can still learn a lot from the principles of lovingly tending to a garden and how that relates to nurturing ourselves and our inner garden ~ our spirit and our soul! What do I mean by our inner garden? Do you ever have those moments when you feel like anything beautiful and creative in you is being strangled by ugliness? Deep down inside you know there is beauty and expansiveness. There’s a vast garden inside of you that is desperate to come forth and blossom (flowers/plants) but negativity (weeds) are strangling your inner beauty. Those weeds and inner mess can often be our neglect of our inner self, for many different reasons.
So, let’s consider 4 top tips of gardening from an experienced gardener, and how they can relate to us:
1) Be Strategic About Sunlight
“A majority of plants require about six hours of sunshine per day”. If we consider that sunlight increases your body’s level of serotonin, which is a chemical that enhances your mood and helps you to stay calm & centred. Maybe we need to intentionally allow ourselves to soak in the sunshine each day. Of course using glasses & sun screen that protect the skin and eyes from UVA & UVB rays. So many people are affected by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which is like a winter depression, so when the sun shines make sure you turn your face towards it and simply breathe.
From an “inner garden” perspective what do we watch, read & listen to? Are we intentionally having periods of time whereby we are soaking in something light? Something good, something that makes us feel good and lifts our mood and state?
2) Use The Right Soil
“You can’t plant your garden in soil that lacks nutrients”. On a purely practical level we need to ensure that our bodies do not lack essential nutrients. I’m not going to list all of the nutrients you need as there is a wealth of information about these already out there, but we are often aware when our diets are out of balance and there is no time like the present to address our imbalances and ensure that we have our essential nutrients.
From an “inner garden” perspective this relates again to what we watch, read & listen to. To ensure we are nurturing and nourishing ourselves and our inner soil is rich in nutrients we need to watch, read & listen to things that not only help us to grow but also incite the laughter response as humour and laughter have hormonal, physiological and psychological benefits. So consider what nutrients you are soaking your being in and remember that the majority of our personal beliefs about ourselves are in our sub-conscious. These effect how we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us. If we don’t have healthy messages going in then we won’t have healthy messages going out. You may be in a negative situation whereby you feel there is a lot of negativity surrounding you and being spoken into you. Only YOU can address that balance and start to allow yourself to receive some healthier messages.
3) Space The Plants Correctly
“If plants are too close together, they can rob each other of light, water and nutrients, which can make them smaller and more vulnerable” From both the natural and the inner garden perspective this is so important. Yes we need other people and having a positive support network of family, friends and others is essential. But we also need to have time alone to simply breathe, rest and connect in with ourselves. Now, I know that can be challenging for some as spending time alone with yourself means you have to stop and look at where you’re at and whether you’re happy with where you’ve arrived in life and who you’ve become. That’s understandably daunting for some and I feel you! As a result we can so often fill our space with people, work and things in an attempt to find fulfilment from the outside in ~ but truly our personal fulfilment comes from the inside out, but we need to allow space for that to happen. Only YOU can create that space for YOU! What have I said before? We’re not inviting guilt or shame on this journey, so choose today to create some space and without allowing yourself to feel guilty. It’s essential!
4) Water Well
“If you need to hand water some of your plants, pull the leaves gently out of the way and make sure you only water the roots” I love this quote as it reminds us that sometimes our daily upsets have root issues that we need to have the courage to gently tend to. From a purely practical perspective, this really needs no explanation … DRINK PLENTY OF WATER!! We know that our bodies are approximately 70% water so with that in mind we need to ensure (especially in these summer months) that we are drinking around 8 glasses of water a day, and that can include hot drinks, but be aware that caffeine is a diuretic and can cause your kidneys to flush extra water from the body. Did you also know that your brain is 80% water so if you are dehydrated then you will suffer with a lack of mental clarity, increased stress, sleep problems, fatigue and headaches.
From an inner garden perspective the energy provided by water is ever changing which reminds us to expect change on our journey’s and learn to go with the flow! Sometimes we’re so shocked that something happens to us in life it can take us years to get over it, if we ever do! As I mentioned above sometimes roots can need gently tending to. We need to accept that life is a journey and we all have our paths to walk. Try not to judge experiences as “good” or “bad” rather than simply experiences. That’s not belittling trauma or your painful experiences. Everything has the meaning that we give it and that is always valid and personal to you, but this can either hinder or support our journey. Sometimes we need to honour the experience we have had and then reframe it in our minds in a way that helps us to see the beauty in the ashes. As water can come in many forms ~ liquid, steam, ice, snow etc you’ll need to water your inner garden in whatever form it needs it and only you will know what you truly need when you learn more about who you are and are valuing your self as one of God’s Highest forms of Creation!
Love & blessings as you tend to your gardens this week! Sam xx
I’m pretty sure most of my blogs are a light & fluffy read so we can allow one with a more serious note from time to time, right? So …
“Research suggests that the stress that develops due to experiencing or witnessing racism can have long lasting effects, increasing the risk of chronic disease and mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression in both children and adults.”
medicalnewstoday
Take a minute to read that again and then think about it carefully! “experiencing or witnessing racism can have long lasting effects, increasing the risk of chronic disease and mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression in BOTH children and adults” If you know me then you know that I’m white, my wonderful husband is black and our three beautiful children (adult kids) are biracial and that quote applies to THEM and if it applies to them then it applies to ME. If this applies to ME then it applies to YOU! ALL OF YOU! You may ask “why does it apply to me?” The answer is, whilst there is any discrimination or racism IN OUR WORLD then it applies to EVERY ONE!! You may think that making racial slurs or negative comments/jokes is ok because you’re a nice person and you haven’t got anything against Black, Asian or Minority Ethnic people. In fact some of them are your friends, right? Individually you probably are respectful in public but what about below the surface or when you’re with certain groups of people? I’m not picking on you and trying to make you feel bad but I am trying to increase your self awareness as discrimination and racism aimed at others not only impacts their well-being but it is also impacting YOURS.
Well-being encompasses so many aspects of our lives and is influenced by:
What we experience
What we believe
What we think
What we do
What we say
Every aspect of well-being is influenced by these main themes and they are influenced by the rules that we have consciously, or more often than not unconsciously, developed. The personal rules that we each live by have developed through past experiences, our cultures, our education, parenting and what we then have learned to think and feel about ourselves and others. The rules we live by affect how we connect with the world, the feelings that we cultivate and can make it either incredibly hard for us to be happy or incredibly easy. It’s central to the forming of our attitudes which, again, make it either easy for us to be happy with life in general or really difficult. So, what are the personal rules and beliefs that you have developed over the years and live by? (and I’m not talking about playground rules, workplace rules, rules of the land, government rules or universal beliefs ~ as these are all, usually positive, rules that keep order and respectful living) I’m talking about the ones that you personally live by that have formed your attitudes and how you behave towards yourself and others?
Sometimes we’re not consciously aware of them, or we are aware of them and don’t necessarily agree with them but haven’t stopped to take the time to think carefully about not just who we are but how we are and what we believe! Don’t waste any time feeling bad about this, as it’s a waste of energy but do take the time to review your beliefs and how they influence you, because they do emit an energy that is tangibly felt by others. You can’t hide your core beliefs as they do seep out into the atmosphere around you, infect it, and are tangibly felt. So instead of hiding them why don’t you face them and choose to change them? For A LOT of people they have been conditioned to think and feel that way and they literally have no real understanding of WHY they have racist beliefs ~ as they have just been conditioned that way. If that’s YOU, you can change that ~ and you REALLY need to!!! For YOUR well-being and the sake of humanity! ALL BORN EQUAL!!! FACT! Regardless to what you were taught or conditioned to believe! Discriminatory and prejudice beliefs are like a poisonous toxin to YOU and to the world on which we ALL belong!
Some of my friends have really not understood the “black lives matter” statement and I understand that it can be confusing as the response is usually “ALL LIVES MATTER” and of course they do … but it’s easy to say that but not really understand it, so I’ve included a Youtube video to help you to understand. Despite the absolute seriousness of the subject, humour does help to communicate a truth. So, I hope this helps you to understand that All lives can’t matter until black lives do! One could say it’s nuanced, but I believe it’s really not that subtle! We face this every day and we can’t just shrug and ignore it. Well, I guess you could but then what kind of world do you really want to live in? I’m hoping that we all want to feel loved and accepted! Regardless to race, we all have that human right!
Blessings to you and make a stand THIS WEEK to improve YOUR well-being and the lives of those around you. Remember … what comes around goes around!
I knew there was going to be something different about the year 2020 but I couldn’t have predicted what actually happened and the impact it has had on so many peoples lives. Ill-health, loss of loved ones, financial struggle, loss of business, social isolation, increased stress, depression and anxiety. To name but a few! Thankfully there is often a silver lining and the good within all of that, often pain and struggle, is always there. It’s not always obvious of course and sometimes we’re too upset and exhausted to care whether there is good there or not. We can become quite annoyed if someone appears too happy when we’re struggling so much. The truth is they’re probably struggling too but their default mechanism to be happy is how they deal with it.
Somebody said to me the other day, that somebody else had said to them ABOUT ME …
“I don’t like Sam she’s too happy”
I laughed and thought “if only they knew”! I’m not going to write here what I’m like behind the scenes but things are not always as they appear, but the me I give to the world is just as real and sincere as the me I am behind closed doors or when I’m alone. We’re all complex beings and have many aspects of who we are and that’s ok. Having awareness of that is often key to navigating ourselves through the challenging times.
As we prepare for re-entry after (or should I say during) the pandemic some of us may find that we struggle to find our new normal. We’re likely to be anxious and that’s ok! So let’s look at a few ways that we can prepare ourselves but also attitudes we can adopt to help us during this time:
Take it easy and go slow! Move at your own pace and don’t feel under pressure to move at the same speed as everyone else. Sure, there might be work commitments that have policies & procedures you need to follow, but even then you can explain how you’re feeling. Seek guidance & help if you don’t receive the understanding you need.
Learn to be understanding yourself ~ not everyone is going to think and feel the same way as you and that’s not necessarily wrong. It’s just different ~ and let’s face it ~ we’re all different! If you would like understanding then GIVE understanding to others.
What goes around comes around ~ be the change you want to see in the world
It’s okay to not feel ready to meet friends for coffee or to let your guard down completely ~ again, GO SLOW and at your own pace. If you still want to wear a mask then do that until YOU’RE ready to go without.
Try not to judge others! I know that can be difficult at times when you have strong opinions or beliefs about issues. Such as whether you’re an “anti-vaxxer” or not! People do have the right to choose so being annoyed at people who believe differently to you won’t help! You’re far more likely to influence people with kindness and understanding.
Respect other people’s decisions. You might feel fine running around “maskless” spreading love and joy across the earth, but others are still apprehensive and anxious, so respect others, and again, be kind.
Remember that everyone’s experience of the pandemic has been different. Some situations have been exacerbated and magnified 🔎. So, we’re back to kindness and understanding.
Use your most powerful tool ~ the breath, to anchor and centre yourself when you start to feel stressed and anxious. Don’t underestimate this!! Stop ~ take a deep slow breath in ~ relax the muscles around your face ~ and breathe!! As many times as you need to.
Remember that you just spent the last year adjusting and adapting your life to working and living in a completely different way, so moving into the new normal really will be a challenge. Your energy levels will be impacted ~ being around others will feel almost scary due to the threat of the pandemic.
Don’t resist it if you need more support!! It’s ok! I started to see a Spiritual Advisor/Counsellor every week for months during the pandemic and I’m now seeing her fortnightly. If you need extra help right now then reach out and find it!
Do what you can to make a new life plan as you consider how things have changed. Think about exercise, good sleep hygiene, a well-balanced diet and other activities that will support your resilience.
Resilience – the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
In the end it’s about accepting where YOU’RE at and respecting that others may be at a different place, and that’s OK! It really is!
Be at peace my friends and I’ll see you on the other side,
I LOVE ❤ my kids and I remember when they were younger, and I was with each of them individually it seemed so different and I could focus on their individual needs. When I had all three of them together, I felt like they were all spinning around in my head and I couldn’t focus on any one or any thing. Actually, on reflection, when my first child was born and she was the only one, I felt that was really demanding and challenging at the time too, so I guess it’s all relative to one’s own personal situation. We each have different personality types and differing strengths and weaknesses. Our children have different personalities too, and our circumstances are varied. So, I guess we have to accept that we can only do the best we can and that has to be good enough.
I remember watching an episode of Oprah years ago where she talked to working mums and stay-at-home mums who were struggling with similar issues to me, and one of the conclusions reached was to know that what you do is good enough. You can’t give 100% to everything, as you only have one lot of 100% to divide up between the numerous activities of a mother (or parent). That means, for example, I can only give 20% to housework, 30% to kids, 20% to Colin, 10% to family and friends and 20% to employment. The figures will obviously be different for everyone. The extra stress and frustration comes when you place too high an expectation on yourself. I used to be a perfectionist (still am in some ways) and needed to do everything really well otherwise I would feel dreadful – even when I completed handwritten assignments at school I would have to rip the whole thing up and start again if I discovered even the smallest grammatical error. I couldn’t leave it, couldn’t Tippex it out, couldn’t cross tidily through it, I had to scrap the whole thing and do it again. I’ve also always been a wholehearted type of person who likes to commit fully to something and give it 100%. Then, I became a mum and realised that wasn’t so easy to do.
Anyway, there was a certain lady on The Oprah Show whose husband said she was an absolute nightmare to live with because she was constantly angry with the kids and always stressing about something (relatable content) until she learned the ‘It will have to be good enough’ principle and was transformed. She had the revelation that she couldn’t give 100% to any one thing and trying was just causing immense pressure and stress and making her life, and the lives of her family members, unbearable. At the time, when I watched that episode it did change my life briefly because the truth set me free, but sometimes we forget the truth and have to revisit it for the power of it to have any lasting effect in our lives. I guess I’m in that place again and I need to be a little kinder to myself and not put myself under so much pressure. Maybe I won’t be able to have a really organised and tidy house until the kids have grown up and flown the nest, but is that really so bad? Maybe I’ll have to live with an ironing pile as a permanent feature because I can never get on top of it, but is that really so bad? Maybe I can’t spend as much time as I would like with each child individually or with my husband, but surely the time I do spend with them would be a lot nicer if I wasn’t stressing about the time that I’m not able to be with them?
The saying ‘Take each day as it comes’ is hugely empowering if we can but embrace it. Imagine every day waking up with a clean slate and only thinking about what you have to do on that day to get through. Now, I know that certain things have to be planned today for another day, such as for a party, trips etc, but, on the whole, we do need to learn to not bring tomorrow’s troubles into today, otherwise we won’t be able to focus on what needs doing now – like listening to your kids when they’re talking to you. I remember when I was so preoccupied with thoughts of other things, or troublesome relationships, that I would literally find my children’s chattering infuriating and I’d get cross with them for trying to get my attention because my mind was trying to go on and on about tomorrow, next week, next month, that friendship, that work situation, and so on. Whereas, at that part of the day, the children were supposed to have my attention because it’s theirtime and I am far more able to listen and focus if I make a decision that I am not going to allow myself to be distracted by thoughts of other things unless it is absolutely necessary, and I mean absolutely necessary. It is true to say that we only have a short number of years when our kids actually want to be with us, so we really should embrace them. Part of embracing them is also knowing that you are allowed to have time for yourself, in whichever way that suits you, and by doing that you will not resent the time given to the family. I love my family but I definitely need some me time, but that can’t come from their time, otherwise I feel frustrated and upset and so do they. I have to schedule in some time for myself and look forward to it. I also have to know that what I do is good enough, so that I don’t get unnecessarily stressed and anxious.
After praying for years for God to infuse me with the gift or fruit of patience, long suffering, self-control and gentleness, I finally received the revelation that it is down to me to make those changes and to make the right decision in those challenging times when I’m feeling impatient.
For years, in fact, since having children, because I self-righteously thought I was a pretty good Christian until that point, I have been spiritually praying for God to walk within my internal garden, metaphorically speaking, and cultivate the fruits of the spirit, particularly patience, self-control and gentleness. I read the Holy scriptures, I pleaded in prayer, I read copious self help books, I cried before God, begging Him to change me and beseeching Him to change those aspects of me that were such crippling shortcomings. I finally received the answer, (which I think He must have been sending me for years but, for whatever reason, I hadn’t listened) that to develop a patient character I needed to CHOOSE to be patient in an impatient situation and persistently choose to be patient time after time and day after day until I BECOME a patient person in challenging times. To be a gentle person, I needed to CHOOSE to be gentle when a situation arose that could invoke a harsh reaction and then, in time, I would have that gentle attribute to my character that I’ve always longed for.
It was such a slap in the face at the time when I had this revelation and I was quite indignant at having to have to do it myself. I genuinely thought that I would have some supernatural impartation of patience, self-control and gentleness and, even though I had been taught over the years by many great teachers that we have to choose to react the right way in situations, despite not always wanting to, I could not seem to make that change.
Home is considered to be the place where we are our true selves. It is easier to make the right decision in public when we want to leave a good impression of ourselves and it’s just an isolated incident, but not so easy to apply this at home. Our home lives can be our training grounds and some of our most intense character building can take place there if we let it. As I said, IF we let it! We also have to learn to accept that there are many aspects of who we are and we need to love ALL of those aspects of ourselves, even the not-so-nice bits. We all have our secret sides that no-one but God sees. We sometimes think the self we give to the world is not really us and that’s simply not true. It’s important to embrace and accept every aspect of who we are. The sad you, the happy you, the fun-loving you, the quiet and contemplative you, the confused & depressed you and the out-going bubbly you. Whoever you are in public and whoever you are in private are all YOU! Sometimes we struggle with this concept. We think we are being false and hypocritical for not portraying the same self. I challenge this and say that you are who you are. All of you! The good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the motivated and the despondent. Sometimes we struggle with the disparity, we feel we are not being true to ourselves, we are not being honest. We think we lack integrity because we can’t make our private lives match our public lives. I say that we need to embrace and accept every aspect of who we are, remembering that even those negative expressions of ourselves are usually our unconscious minds allowing us to act in that way to serve some higher good intention for us as an individual. We need to be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to travel our life journey with grace. Grace is undeserved favour. We all need to extend to ourselves favour (help, goodwill, act of kindness, good deed) even if we think we simply don’t deserve it. I have to believe that I am on my way to developing the sort of character I’ve always dreamed of and the outcome is really up to me.
So try and be patient with yourself this week and forgive yourself for any mistakes you feel you’ve made and keep on moving forward, even if it seems like you’re only making slow progress.
Samantha Jordan TLC 